Many of you who know me know that I harbor a fear of chimpanzees. Most people think of chimpanzees as funny little clowns, sometimes wearing a diaper, toddling about doing very funny things.
I even admit that I laugh at commercials that feature chimpanzees. But real chimpanzees are another matter entirely.
My fear of chimpanzees is based upon the fact that chimpanzees are...well...messed up in the head. My first exposure to chimpanzees involved a field trip to the local zoo. I was with the Catholic school nuns. Sister Mary Hortense commented, "Ohhhh, look at the chimpanzees!!!!" The chimp responded by crapping in his hand and throwing said clump at Sister Mary Hortense. At the time I thought that the chimp must not have been a Catholic.
Whenever a chimpanzee goes on a rampage, they tend to do horrifying things, almost always involving ripping off someone's genitals and their face. Why on earth would any creature rip off someone's genitals and face? I thought I would find out.
So I wrote an email to the Philadelphia Zoo. It started, "please answer an important question for me. I would like to know why when a chimp gets furious it feels the need to rip the face and genitals off of it's enemy". Surprisingly, I still haven't heard a reply. Perhaps this is a fact that they keep from the poor folks assigned to cleaning the chimp habitat.
If you think about it, there is little worse that you can do to fellow being than facial and genital mauling. In fact, there are few cases where someone became so angry that they mauled the genitals off a fellow human, but it usually involved the misuse of said organ with another rival human.
People just don't get angry and act like chimpanzees do. I don't care that they say chimps are the most similar to humans of all the creatures of the animal kingdom, we are not inclined to do such screwy and evil things.
A prime example is the true case of Ladonna and St.James Davis. They went to see their chimp Moe at a chimp sanctuary for his birthday, and took him a birthday cupcake. While they were giving Moe his cupcake, another chimp became jealous. He burst out of his cage, grabbed St. James Davis, and, you guessed it, ripped off his face, fingers, and genitals. Now I realize that it was a breech of etiquette to take one cupcake and not have cupcakes for all the chimps (I used it as a lesson for the girls, when you bring a cupcake for one, you bring one for EVERYBODY) however I feel that this was an overreaction on behalf of the offended chimp.
Poor Papi has listened to me preach about the terrors of chimpanzees for years. So much so, that now I can tell he is a little uncomfortable on the subject of chimps. He is very attached to his genitals, even more so than his face, I suspect. In fact, when shopping for a weapon to defend the house, he walked right past the handguns and opted for a pump shotgun.
"Really, Papi? A shotgun?" I asked. He looked at me as if I was an idiot. "A shotgun will stop everything, Yvette."
I got the real meaning.
Everybody knows a handgun won't stop a marauding genital-mauling chimpanzee.
cool story bro
ReplyDelete